


I'm Screaming At The Top Of My Voice

by Bells_Hunt



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Huntbastian, M/M, Songfic, glee fic - Freeform, huntbastian fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-15 20:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1318324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bells_Hunt/pseuds/Bells_Hunt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the steroids incident Hunter decides to leave Dalton for good, despite all of Sebastian's attempts to make him stay. They re-meet some time later and Sebastian finally understands why. Songfic based on the song "Same Mistake" by James Blunt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Screaming At The Top Of My Voice

_So while I’m turning in my sheets, and once again I cannot sleep._

At first, Hunter really thought he could handle it. 

After the first appointment with the doctor, he tried to convince himself everything would be okay.

 

Five months later, when he screwed up his scholarship and found out at the same time that no improvements were made, he told himself it was just the right moment to leave Dalton anyway.

He convinced himself this was the best thing to do even as he faced Sebastian’s widen surprised eyes when Hunter interrupted his speech-for-Hunter’s-remission-plan to say there was no point to it since he was leaving. 

He reminded himself why he was doing that and why it was so important that his voice sounded so cold when he answered the mute question with a “it’s just the better thing to do.” 

He reminded himself why it was so fucking damn important as he packed his things and Sebastian’s eyes followed him all along. He reminded himself why it was so fucking important when instead of saying goodbye, Sebastian turned and walked out of the room and away.

_Walk out the door and up the street._

When he bumped into Sebastian months later in a coffee shop - surprisingly not Lima Bean, he found how easy it was to just agree with him as to the reason for his lost weight and short hair cut. Easy even though his lungs screamed inside him. Easy even though his skin hurt and his eyes felt like they were burning into his skull. Easy even though he got to the bathroom and threw up his stomach as soon as Sebastian was out. Easy even though it was the first time he had been out of bed and the house alone in three whole weeks. Easy.

_Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go._

He remembered himself why it was so important as he felt his mother’s hand on his own and watched his father pace along the glass wall of his room. He wouldn’t have that, and he wouldn’t be seeing Sebastian’s bright grin in the DVD his mother had managed to get from Warblers later performance. 

He remembered himself why it was so important with each new bag that dripped slowly into his veins like poison and made him feel much closer to death than cure. He remembered himself why it was so important as he insisted his mother didn’t change channels when that cheesy movie Rosie made him watch so long ago, started on the TV. Sebastian didn’t deserve that. And Hunter forced himself to watch so he’d know exactly why. Sebastian was never the one needing fixing from the two of them.

_My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy, does it show? I lose the track that loses me…_

He convinced himself along the next ten months that Sebastian had surely forgotten all about him by now, along with all the Warblers, only resentment left and he couldn’t just take the coward way out from that guilt nor did he want it replaced with pity. He’d rather be remembered with hate than pity.

He convinced himself that he couldn’t really bear with another pair of red eyes or another soft cry in the middle of the dawn when his mother thought he was sleeping. He convinced himself he didn’t need another set of desperate scared ones when it was clear his always so bursting strength was ruining down like a sand castle. Being eaten away like rotten wood by an infestation that couldn’t be retained by anything.

_Have you seen my enemy? He looked just like me._

He chanted in his head again and again that he’d done the right thing when the doctor only shook his head and looked down. He regretted not having been stronger or found a way to spare more than the ones he did as his mother destroyed their house in an outburst and Hunter heard her sob through the night as his father held her, his strong arms and sharp mind useless in face of the enemy his son fought against.

_Don’t buy the promises ‘cause there are no promises I keep._

He repeated to himself he could do this as he dialed the long known number. And he didn’t let a word out as spoke only enough to get him to answer very long questions during which he just closed his eyes and hid from himself in the tone of his voice, promising here and there they’d see each other soon. He convinced himself he had to do it now before the phone became too much of a burden for his tired fingers and he convinced himself it was a good thing that he hadn’t even gotten to say goodbye, his outstretched body falling asleep better than in a whole year with Sebastian’s voice buzzing in his brain.

_And my reflection troubles me._

He told his reflection as he hung up to the sink on trembling legs, up without permission, that he’d done the right thing. If death had a face, he knew it was just in front of him, and no one his age should ever have to face it. 

_Give me reason, but don’t give me choice, ‘c_ _ause I’ll just make the same mistake._

He told his giving up brain that he had to form the word when the second call came and the tone was a much different one as he asked “are you alright?”. He forced his tongue to say the yes he had to and surprised himself with how much even at such stage breathing hurts, one still can hold strength enough to cry over a battery-less piece of pain.

_Look at the stars, look at the stars, falling down._

When warm arms wrapped around him, and a soft choked voice whispered “ _I fucking hate you_ " he told himself to get fucked.

“ _I_ _don’t want to die alone, Bas… I don’t, God, I don’t,_ ”

“ _Of course you don’t… you’re such a fucking bastard idiot._ ”

_And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak._

He cried himself into mumbling all the things that swirled around his head for that whole year. He betrayed all reasoning as night came and he begged Sebastian not to go and with all the forces he got left he talked and talked and talked and told him all the things he’d promised he’d never say and tear wet lips rustled back with broken hopeless promises of forgiven and a new bright day.

“ _I love you. Fuck, I love you so much”_

_"I will always love you…"_

And he begged forgiveness. He begged because fuck his reason he couldn’t go without it. And Sebastian’s fingers ran through his weak, faulting, short hair, and his chest moved under him, and his quiet breathing sang him lullabies and by midnight his lips wrote goodbye all over his own, his face, hands, and rested at his forehead.

_And I wonder, where, did I go wrong?_

Fingers pressed softly over his lips as they tried to murmur an apology for the hundredth time and eyes met saying all the things his voice couldn’t get out anymore, and the green ones kept their promise of not letting out more of the tears dammed in the bright iris till the blue ones fell closed. And arms held tight the wrecked home of a burning light.

_Look at the stars beneath my feet._

_Look at the stars,_

_Look at the stars, falling down_ …

And around it they kept, even as sun rose and there was no feather light breathing between them anymore. Tight they kept in the quieter hours of the day while the whole town slept. Warm they kept even though they knew they wouldn’t be able to help it heat ever again. And finally the dam broke and lungs connected to desperately painful lips and burning eyes as they wet closed lids that were not to open once more.


End file.
